Let Go, Let Be

Because you refuse to answer when called on, because I know you lurk here…

I wanted to be kind and gracious.  I wanted to show that, in every way, I was taking the high road.  And while all of this remains true, I cannot deny that most of me now abhors you and not addressing it feels like part of me is polluted.

There have been a lot of disappointments over the last seven and half years.  I did all I could to stand by you, even when no one else in the world would.

This time, this latest disappointment, was the last one.  This time, you went too far.  The secrets and lies, the abandonment, are more than I can bear.  The emotional, physical, and financial cost was intolerable.  After so long, and so many sacrifices, I have accepted that you never intended to keep the promises you made.  I never thought you would choose to become a coward and a liar.  And after so many years, I can no longer make excuses for you.  The line has been crossed and I am finished wasting the prime of my life on empty promises and broken dreams.

You should know there is someone new in my life.  To be honest, he has been a part of my life for a while.  As soon as I let go of you, there was space for him.  I wish I had let go sooner than I did.  We take it day by day and I no longer feel the pressure to please someone who will never ever be satisfied.  He does not do things that make me weak and insecure.  He does not build me up so he can tear me down.  With him, I am assured, secure, and happy.  Most importantly, he has made it clear to me that I am safe, my happiness matters to him, and that we do not have to rush into making big decisions about our future.

That has been liberating.

I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me

I know you're watching from afar.  I suspected you might be.  Or that you would at least pop in for a look.  Or eight.  Don't ask how I know, just understand that I do.

It's cool with me.

The way you left things isn't.

After all that happened, I really do deserve some kind of explanation.  Don't forget, above all things, we were best friends.  I was there for you even when you believed no one was.

I know you have your reasons.  I understand I may never fully understand those reasons.  Why not give me the benefit of the doubt and at least try to explain?

This silence, it smacks of cowardice.  I don't want to think that about you.  You're so much better than that.

I'll be honest -- it sucks that you would rather cause me misery, would rather have me believe you are dead, than tell me the truth.  I can handle the truth.  On many occasions it has been served up to me in large doses that would destroy most people.

I can handle the truth.

Question is, do you have the fortitude to say it?

I dare you to prove me wrong.

Oh ya, I went there.