I know what you are thinking.
Behave yourself.
I am the first to admit that I am not Shakespeare. I am well aware that what I produce here is not some sweeping prose that should be bound in novel form, sold at all the major retailers, and nominated for all sorts of elitist awards. No, that stuff is downstairs in a filing cabinet waiting for my undivided attention.
What I am doing here is an experiment in free thinking and free form writing; I had a professor in a third year creative writing course accuse me of not being able to do such a thing. He also said some stuff about fear of being judged, fear of success, blah blah blah.
And Cassie dared me. Double dirty dog dared me. I really did not have a choice in the matter, did I?
While my writing here may suck like a hoover, I have written emails that should be framed and passed down through the generations. My "snot-a-grams" are legendary. I can peel paint with them, but I do try to be diplomatic about the issue at hand. I am not always
(And just so there is no confusion, if I send an email to you and I call you or someone you know a paragon of incompetence, feel free to loosely translates that to I cannot believe you got to work today without a road map and a tour guide. Seriously. More often than I care to admit, I wonder that about some people. I understand this is not at all diplomatic. I am not proud of that nor am I happy about thinking that way about people, but there it is.)
So, when composing emails, I do my best to make sure they are grammatically correct before I click on the send button. I have spell check and grammar check automatically do their thing before an email leaves my outbox because I my brain leaks and I cannot be trusted to always remember to do this myself. Lastly, the punctuation in the emails I write is carefully pondered before the email is sent out into the inky blackness of the Internet. I work at a corporate level for The Company. People expect me to at least spell right and use fairly good grammar and punctuation. And let's be honest, people appreciate spacing between sentences. It makes your stuff readable.
What is my point? Why have I grumbled on for so long?
I recently received an email at work that crawled up my ass and rolled around while simultaneously causing my brain to implode and then explode. I am probably going to get in copious amounts of crap for posting the gem below but after I read it and my brain splatter was wiped off my cube walls, I decided it had to be shared. It is just too good to not be out there with all the other bad emails from management types who think they are doing us a favour by gracing us with their presence.
Oh yeah, this was written by a manager. Who is older than 19. Way older but equally arrogant and hypocritical.
Enjoy. Christmas came early this year!
"Subject: Clean Up
Hello All
As we are all aware, we have our Customer Appreciation day on Thursday.Could you please speak with the folks in your area's and make sure that all area's are clean , and work space i.e.: desk's etc are as clean as can be.We all want to show our client's our best.Appreciate your effort's , and remember , the Customer's will be the judge's for the Decoration Contest.Let's make it a tough call for them
Thanks Again" (period left out because it was never in the original email)
Some days are awesome, non?
Go back and read it again.
You are so welcome.
It is like a gift that keeps giving. Every time I read it, I find something new.
All this from a man who held a seminar on how to use the in/out board. Because, for all the years prior to his arrival that we have been using the in/out board, we have not been inning and outing properly, efficiently, or effectively. True story.
I know how to use a in/out board, Sir Dicksmack.
Another thing you halfwit dunderhead ninny, I know how to use an apostrophe. Oh, and you should know, the Grammar Police called on behalf of the Capitalization Nation. They respectively want their commas and nouns back.
I have said it before.. I am not creative enough to make this stuff up. I am a magnet for crazy. At work, I just sit back and it lands in my inbox. Or in my cube. It is part of the reason I keep going back for the punishment. I get paid to be a part of the world's best yet unknown soap opera/unscripted reality TV show, I get fuel to drive this blog and I get to smugly and quietly know I am better at something than someone else.
Yes, I am like that.
PS: For the wonderful smart asses in my life, do not privately email this entry with the errors in grammar and spelling noted and fixed, punctuation amended. Do not email me with suggestions for a letter grade if I was still in university. Or intimate I should go back to the U of A and demand a refund on my tuition. I will hold your Christmas gift hostage. Oh, I so would. Cos I am like that too.
