(Originally posted on my old blog "The Domestication of a Punk Rock Foodie" on October 24, 2009.)
I’ve been desensitized.
That’s the only answer I can give at this point.
What was the question? It may have gone something like, why did you laugh all the way through a movie that is being touted as one of the scariest pieces of cinema ever? Definitively, it was the ghetto-tastic crew of fourteen year olds sitting down front. But you can’t rule out the big baby powder chicken foot prints either.
Beware of the hype surrounding Paranormal Activity. I totally bought into it. I was so close to puking before the movie that I could literally taste stomach acid on the back of my tongue. I’ll be honest, I was shitting myself. I had heard that this movie had been banned because it was sooooo scary. A guy that I used to work with (who’s poker game is predictable but who’s opinion can be trusted) saw this movie the other night and when he got home he was almost in tears and told his younger brother he wasn’t going to be able to sleep for a few nights. Feckkkkkkk. I was going to need some Depends, I was sure of it. I told Dana, my partner in crime for the evening, that I was going to ask for my popcorn to be double bagged so I would have something to barf in later. After some research, which I could have totally benefited from yesterday afternoon while my guts were fermenting my breakfast, turns out “banned” is some new code word for “limited release”. That’s right folks, viral Twitter and Facebook accounts are now the new way to market a film. Well done Mr. Peli and Mr. Spielberg. As much as I cannot stand Facebook and Twitter, this move was nothing short of fucking brilliant. Nicely done, indeed.
Prior to the movie starting, the crew of tweens assembled a few rows down, in the section directly in front of the movie screen. They were definitely the “rolling with the homies” crowd complete with askew head wear and baggy jeans that look like they have already shit themselves and are carrying this steaming load in their shorts. And that was just the chicks in the crew. I stated to Dana that I was going to spend my night watching them watch this movie and that I was going to enjoy watching them screaming like a bunch of four year old girls. I know it’s not very kind or gracious or remotely compassionate to watch others suffer, but I’m not above deriving pleasure from observing someone being served up a well deserved and much needed attitude adjustment… cos that’s how I roll, yo. Karma’s a bitch and I can be one too. Deal.
As the lights went down, the punk assed kids sitting down front would not shut the fuck up. I thought about throwing a candy at them but I really do throw like a girl and it would have been a waste of peanut butter and chocolate. It took some dood from the back of the theater screaming at them to shut the fuck up (after several other requests to shut the fuck up but his was a much more darker, sinister, I’m-gonna-curb-stomp-your-ass-in-the-parking-lot-before-your-mum-comes-to-get-you-later-tonight shut the fuck up). Clapping ensued, shutting the fuck up emanated from the front rows, and we were on our way to Spookyville.
I couldn’t help myself. I giggled and mocked for most of the night. Maybe it was it was being surrounded by people screaming at a light turning on and off. Maybe it was the kiddies screaming for their moms when a door slammed on screen. Ya, you read that right. A bedroom door slammed and they went from “all up in this mutha ghetto fantastic” to screeching pre-schoolers. Maybe it was the use of a chicken’s foot print to depict a big scary demon. Christ Almighty, even I’m more creative than that. Could someone please remind me again why I burnt up my afternoon being scared??? The king of movie reviews Roger Ebert called this mockumentary “ingenious”. Seriously? It’s The Blair Witch Project in a house. And I laughed my ass off at that shit too. Think back to the booger shot. You’re welcome.
I suspect it is futile to try and understand why the fear surrounding this movie went viral. Could it have been the look on the possessed Katie’s face while she was sniffing and licking Micah? Perhaps. But some people are down with that and licking can very easily be thought of as not so much demonic but very much erotic. My guess is the “fear” is nothing more than hype and I’m ashamed to say I bought into it. Luckily, on this night, I was not the only one donating my time and money to a gimmick.
Obviously this was not the Paranormal State/Ghost Hunters/Most Haunted/A Haunting crowd. If it had been, then we all would have been laughing as we left the theater, slightly miffed that we didn’t get our $12.50 worth of scary but grinning because we know those kids in the front are indeed hard core… hard core pussies.
