Touchdown Jesus

(Originally posted on my old blog "The Domestication of a Punk Rock Foodie" on November 15, 2009)

I have a friend named Mark. Mark loves football. And he loves hockey even though he hasn’t watched a game since he left Philly. Please don't hate him. He's stuck in Ohio. He's learning about bad choices as we speak ;)

Back to football. I understand that Americans tend to be fanatical about the sport. Just think back to when Janet Jackson’s teet threatened to ruin the game and American morality. Yes, friends, a nipple covered in metal revealed at half time at the Super Bowl almost brought a nation to its knees and worse yet, threatened to tarnish the game of football forever.

I don’t get it. Both the tit thing and football. Honestly people, it was a boobie. In a country that has such a predilection for all things pornographic, how can Miss Janet’s breast be a sign of the end of times? As for football, the North American version of it is hardly about feet, and what the hell is up with the ball? European football, that’s football. Got foot, got ball, got game. But the helmets, the spandex, the ball that looks like it’s been hiding in the tight end’s arse… really? Hell, if football were played on ice, wearing skates, I might become remotely interested in it. Alas, they don't and so I am left to wonder about many facets of this game.

Mark and I were talking sports. He was reminding me the Oilers are in trouble and I was reminding him he’s dangerously close to the Bible Belt and football fanatics who must be shitting themselves after an episode of Glee used Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” to help the football team to victory.

Mark then unloaded football’s savior on me. Literally. Let me introduce you to the University of Notre Dame’s Touchdown Jesus…

Fantastic, isn’t it? It’s really something else, non? I have spent most of my morning pondering TDJ. The unabated size of it is amazing. Sure, TDJ is actually a mural called “The Word of Life” by Millard Sheets, and the mural is actually part of the Hesburgh Library located adjacent to the stadium the Fighting Irish play in but it reads more like "God is on our side. We have divine intervention.” Or even more bizarre, note that TDJ looks like he’s got his arms up like a football ref in a “touchdown, it’s good” position.

I wonder what Jesus would look like if he traded in the halo for a helmet , traded the sandals for cleats, and got rid of the hippy toga gear and donned some spandex. Okay, so he'd look like just about any other football player but you can bet Mark's ass that his touch down dances would be extraordinary.

MAKE

Menu:

Edemame Beans

Cranraisin Salad With Citrus Peppercorn Vinaigrette

Chocopudd Mousse

EDEMAME BEANS

I buy the frozen version of these because I have yet to find them raw. Follow the directions on the label to cook. When done cooking, quickly toss in a lemon pepper with a dash of salt and serve immediately. Remember, the pods are not edible so remind the people you are eating with to suck or pick the beans out of the pods and eat the beans only.

CRANRAISIN SALAD WITH CITRUS PEPPERCORN VINAIGRETTE

You can use any vinaigrette for this salad, however the best I have had so far has to be the citrus peppercorn vinaigrette from Blue Kettle Specialty Foods. I first found Blue Kettle at the St. Albert farmer's market and it is well worth the trip to find their stall at the market if you live in the greater Edmonton area. Blue Kettle also retails in some locations... check out their "Where To Find Us" section on their site. Their products can be a bit on the pricey side but I assure you, it is worth it!

6c. Romain lettuce, washed and torn into bit sized pieces

1 c. broccoli florets, cut into bit sized pieces

1 c. celery, sliced

1 1/2 c. cucumber, halved and sliced

1/2 red onion, sliced

1 mango, diced (use 1 can if fresh mangoes are not available)

1/3 c. sunflower seeds, shelled

1/2 c. cran raisins

citrus peppercorn dressing, to taste

shredded cheese (preferably marbled cheddar)

-put Romain lettuce in serving bowl

-mix broccoli, celery, cucumber, red onion and put on top of lettuce

-add diced mangoes, sunflower seeds and cranraisins on top of vegetable mixture

-coat salad with dressing as desired

-top with shredded cheese, if desired

-note: add cooked and diced chicken for extra protein

CHOCOPUD MOUSSE

6 pre-made Jello chocolate pudding snacks, chilled

1-8 oz container Cool whip

-empty pudding into mixing bowl

-slowly fold in the cool whip

-scoop into serving bowls and chill for 20 minutes

-you can top these with chocolate shavings or marachino cherries if desired

-note: you can use the "sugar free" version of pudding and the "lite" version of cool whip to reduce calories

THINK

We're all fucked. It helps to remember that. - George Carlin

LISTEN
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
Social Code - Satisfied
Stiff Little Fingers - Suspect Device

READ
JPod by Douglas Coupland

If you work on a cube farm, under fluorescent lights, for The Man, you will get it. I found myself literally laughing out loud at some parts.

WATCH
What are you doing Wednesday nights? You're watching Glee, right? If you aren't watching Glee, what the hell is the matter with you? The lip synching may be craptastic but Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester is genius! Oh and let us not forget Puck... mmmm I likes me some Puck.

VISIT
Bubble Coral... who knew??

GO GREEN
Go here to read about quick and easy ways to make your office/workspace greener.

Dresses, Dances, And Dalliances

It happened innocently enough. I was going to the showroom with some paper work for the order desk. El Presidente held the door open for me. Then summoned me to have a private word.

In my head, I was jumping off the building thinking, "Fuck my life this better not be about the office romance rumors because I do not want to know who is fucking who and where in the building they are doing it and I do not want to know because he is disgusting and she is the type who gives men a reason to call women bitches and ho's. I just do not want to be a part of drama.  And I do not want to have to lick a dog's ass to get the image of them humping out of my head."

I started praying to baby Jesus. Who I do not believe in.  Well maybe the part about the hippie running around the countryside rapping about cool ways to get along in the world but not the virgin birth messiah guy.  It is too far for even my imagination to stretch.

*Inhaling my last breath, bracing myself*

You know, I'm upset with you.  You better come to the Christmas party.

I'm not.

Come and get drunk with me.

I don't drink. (For really.)

Then come and smile.

Fuck my life.

No I did not say that. And I am not going dress shopping to go to some melodrama at a country club in another town.  Yes, another town.

Here's why I really do not want to go to this annual gong show.

On a daily basis, there is too much drama in where I work. Add alcohol, alleged ingestion of any number of contrabands, and we leave the realm of soap opera and head straight for shitty late night drama.  Think Jersey Shore but with mostly over thirty and snow banks instead of beaches.

Where I work is full of cliques.  And they get tighter when spouses and glitter are involved.  It is not fun for me to go sit in a room full that and be given the cold shoulder for most of the night.  Last year, my table was great and the random crazy punk rock girl in the bathroom that helped me pour myself back into my sausage casing with my Spanx was awesome, but most of them were, for the most part, indifferent and uncouth lushes on a binge paid for by The Company.  I did not exist on their planet.  Until I was leaving.  Then the drunken, "Haaaayyyy wur you going huh?  Ya can't leave yet." crap started.

Can somebody tell me what happened to the two drink maximum at the office party rule?

It is like having four hours of your life stolen from you.

Having said that, this year would be the year to go to the office Christmas party. There is a secret office romance that is about to become very public. Same guy as before, different idiot girl. She was warned and he is just a drunk prick with a hard on for anything with long legs.  I do not feel sorry for either of them. The shit is totally going to hit the fan when upstairs finds out. And I would not be surprised if it happened over dinner.

Maybe I need to rethink this dress thing.