This Music Snob Is Officially Justified

Know your enemy.  Exploit their weaknesses.

More often than not, I want to punch the music industry in the balls.  If it had any.

Gone are the days when an artist got an entire album to “experiment” with their sound (ya, I’m looking at you Bryan Adams, while I hold a copy of Into the Fire).  If today’s music industry was flourishing 50 years ago, there would be no Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Tom Waits, Joni Mitchell, or Bob Dylan; artists who shaped generations of real singer/song writer/musicians.  By today’s standards, they would have been considered ugly, visually unappealing, and unmarketable.

Think about that every time you hear the guitar being played by Kurt Cobain.  Think about that every time you hear Ella, Etta, Miles, and Dizzy.

Recently, Adele said, “I make music for the ears, not the eyes.”  It is a sad day when a singer/song writer has to point that out.  And it shows us exactly where the music industry has led us.  Can we blame MTV?  Back in the day, yes.  But now?  Not so much.  Those fuckers don’t even play music videos any more.

Which brings me to the MTV VMA’s.  How can a station that does not air music videos any more continue to have a yearly music video award show?  Perhaps it is just me and one of those things, but I cannot connect the dots here.

What I can do is exploit the shit out of it.  Twitter style.  Cos that’s how the kids roll, yo.


I cannot watch the VMA's on MTV Canada.  I can, however, watch them on MuchMusic, MTV's competition. #overwhelminglyironic

Jersey Shore.  Suck my donkey balls.  Why are we still watching these twats over-dose on spray tan? #dumbasswannabes

Selena Gomez and Demi Levato are BFF’s?  Awkward body language and my Spidey senses say otherwise. #disneyrehabproject

Yes, Selena, they are “Cobra Star Shit”.  Talentless vag odor.  Not that vag odor has a talent.  Just saying. #vomitinmypocket

Seth Grogan, it wasn’t just a “long, weird walk.”  It was a long, weird walk down a plastic intestine. #constipated

Taylor Lautner.  Gaydar ping. #taylorswiftwasyourbeard

Nicki Minaj.  Say whaaaaaa? #hellokittywantshershitback

Foo Fighters.  Hallelujah! #thankyoubuddha

More Jersey Shore.  Excuse me while I void my bowels. #uselesscunts

Stop abusing me with these losers that star on your  crap reality shows. Dear Jebus, GIVE ME GAGA! #preshowmakesmestabby

LMFAO. Shufflebot? #fuckoff

It’s Britney, bitch.  She’s looking positively well medicated. #weaveisundercontrol

30 Seconds From Mars.  Time’s up, Jared Leto. You are a pretentious bitch and will always be Jordan Catalano. #mysowannabelife

Katy Perry.  I just can’t.  Hard work recognized?  Get your husband to take a shower and maybe we will have something. #stinkycheesedick

OMFG, Baby Jay Z Beysuz in the oven!!!! #thesecondcomingisimminent

Brit Brit doesn’t get Gaga’s Joe. #iwannabesedated

Gaga, Brian May.  Uh huh. #freddiemercurylives

"Whatever.  You don’t know me or my parents.” Kevin Hart, I’m hijacking that. #sassybitch

Jonah Hill.  Nicki Minaj.  #notfunny

Jay Z.  Kanye.  #mydiamondsareinthesky

Beibs, I know you don’t “get” Jay and Kanye, but respect, you stupid fucking bitch. #usherisyourbeard

Jack Black, I love you and your sexy break dancing ways. #iheartthismutha

Is it just me or does the performance stage look like a lady hole? #vajayjay

Add another name to the shame fuck list… Pitbull.  And you, Neyo, sir, you are going on the freebie five. #quiveringladybits

Katie Holmes.  Clueless. #iamanalien

Adele.  Am.  Breathless.  Her voice is simply amazing.  Lovely.  Just got a lady boner.  How adorable is she?  #girlcrush

Chris Brown.  Sit down, son.  Kanye, don’t just stand there, rush that fucker. #unrepentantwomanhaterandwomanbeater

If someone doesn’t shut that Jessie J bitch up soon, Imma get homicidal. #shhhhhhh

Britney Tribute?  Where?  Didn't someone say Miss Jackson was gonna sing "Slave 4 U"???  #suckdonkeyballs

Will Baby JayBey come into the world with a wind machine of their own? #unclekanyerawks

WTF is hanging out of Katy Perry’s head?  Is she wearing a brick of cheese in that pink rat’s nest? #stupiddumbembarrasmentwasteoftime

What is that botox nightmare sitting next to Kardashian?  Is that a shemale? #doesitmatterwhichkardashiansheis

What is a Tyler the Creator? #whoisthisnutsack

Young the Giant?  Will show up for your show, will bring 250 of their friends from back home.  To be on stage.  With them. #coswecan

Cloris Leachman has no fucking clue where she is or who she’s with.  Or maybe she just doesn't want to admit it.  Would you?  #awesomesauce

Tony and Amy.  Body and Soul.  #legacy

Bruno Mars.  I certainly would.  Even with that high top hair. #youcancallmevalerie

Katie Holmes. STFD, STFU. #whyareyouevenhere

Drake.  Uhhhhh.  I'll say your name, say your name, and wear you out. #iwanttowearyourcardigan

Lil Wayne. #anothershamefuck


I think Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters said it best: "I just want to say: Never lose faith in real rock and roll music, you know what I mean?  Never lose faith in that.  You might have to look a little harder, but it's always going to be there."

#amen

The Curious Case of the 27 Club

Some musical geniuses gone by the age of 27:
Kurt Cobain
Jim Morrison
Brian Jones
Robert Johnson
Jimi Hendrix
Janis Joplin
Amy Winehouse

Yes, Kenny, the curse continues.

Wordless Wednesday

Blessed Farewell

I'd heard The Bruce Springsteen Band was nearby at a club called The Student Prince. A rainy, windy night it was, and when I opened the door the whole thing flew off its hinges and blew away down the street. The band were on stage, but staring at me framed in the doorway. And maybe that did make Bruce a little nervous because I just said, "I want to play with your band," and he said, "Sure, you do anything you want." ~ Clarence Clemons on how he met Bruce Springsteen and began playing with the E Street Band 

I'm On The Right Track Baby

Oh Gags... what we gonna do about you?

I do love you.  You manage to stay relevant even if your music isn't so much revolutionary as it a version 2.0 of Madonna and Cyndi Lauper.  You bring two of my favourite things together: chair dancing and sociology.

The meat dress.  Was it really a statement or did you do it just because you could get away with it?  Sometimes I wonder if that is your gig; let's see how much bollox you can thrust upon the world and how much of it the world will consume.  If I were in your position, I would push that shit as far as I could, just to see how far consumers will let a celebutante go.  I wonder if they know you are laughing on the inside.

I watched you awkwardly climb out of a fiberglass egg people are saying you lived for three days.  I call bullshit but the minivan majority gobbled it up.  Or the monsters.  Whichever.  Well done Mi'Lady.

I held back the laughter when you accepted some award on some award show and said "Born This Way" was inspired by Whitney Houston.  You had people believing the fake tears, the fake accent, the fake shoulder protrusions.  Quick somebody get the whiskey and the tea cup.

The new video is going to piss off a lot of people.  But you like it like that, don't you?  I'm totally up in the pink hair and I think you need to whip it harder.  Not sure about the underwear parts.  Haven't you already done that?  Bit old, non?

The schtick is bigger than the music.  And I kinda dig that.

Maybe we shouldn't do anything and just see how far this thing will go.

PS: Are you birthing that gun or riding it?

The Weekly Whaaaaa

(Originally posted on my old blog "The Domestication of a Punk Rock Foodie" on June 01, 2010)

My taste in music is above reproach. My ability to sing? Reproach away.

Before you do reproach my tone deaf, can't-carry-a-tune-in-a-bag-even-if-it-had-handles vocal stylings, watch this wee gem (and watch all of it cos its the best slice of cheese I've had in a looooooong time yet its sadly lacking some sweet ass air guitar) and then say to yourself, "Is it really too late for me to get my Eurovision/Idol/X Factor on?"



Ya, I thought so.

Balkan, balkan, balkan... Ovo je Balkan!

He's Bringin' Hanson Back

My cousin Brad is an awesome guy.

Sure, he's a Leaf's fan, had a bit of the Bieber Fever, and he almost became a golf pro, but he's a stand up guy who, no matter the distance, I know he has my back.

His taste in music is, well, politely put, sketchy.

He punished me for not going to the Bon Jovi concert with him by neglecting to tell me that he had tickets to Lady Gaga.

I went to see Lady Gaga.

You whaaaa?

The Gaga.  I saw her.  Fucking fantastic.

This is punishment for not going to Jovi with you, isn't it?

Yes.  Yes it is.

But I couldn't do it... the permed  hair, the purple tin foil coat in a cherry picker, throwing roses to fans in Brazil killed it for me years ago.  He's still singing about Tommy and Gina.

*shrug*

And now there's this:



No, Brad.  You are NOT bringing Hanson back.

Somewhere a Blues Brother is weeping.