(Originally posted on my old blog "The Domestication of a Punk Rock Foodie" on January 06, 2010.)
I have been smoking at work. Go ahead, judge.
I’ve also been longing for last week where it was all about me and fresh pj’s. I thought I missed work. Turns out, not so much. The problem with going on Christmas break is that, while you are away, the paper gremlins come along and turd out faxes and mail all over the place and you are left to dig through piles of paper to find your desk. Rumor has it I still have a desk on the cube farm but its currently cleverly disguised as a paper holder. When you look at it from the right angle, my desk actually looks like piles of paper are levitating. All week I have been losing my mouse and keyboard which is cool with me because when I opened my email on Monday morning, there were 96 (not including spam) reasons to grab my stuff and go back home.
I think now would be a good time to adopt my niece's philosophy about asses and sofas.
When asked what she was going to do for Christmas break, my niece Janelle responded, “Park my arse on the sofa and read.” She’s eleven and deeply profound. Her verbage cracked me up. When I was half her age, I came home from school and ALLEGEDLY said a particular boy was a fecking koont (say it in your head with a Scottish accent. Uh huh, now you’re getting it). I cut Janelle some slack on this one because someone cut me slack when I was a kid and she didn’t rat me out to the Proper Authority Figures when I ALLEGEDLY said a sales clerk at Please Mum could go suck a bag of dicks.
Don’t be all judgey. You would have done the same.
Perhaps you would have had more tact and said something less vulgar but who the hell asks for your name, address, phone number, email address, and work phone number when you are purchasing a shirt? And paying cash? I still have no idea why this rocket scientist who was cleverly disguised as a sales clerk wanted this information. When I asked her why she required this information as all I wanted to do was pay for a $10.00 shirt, I was the recipient of one of those minimum wage sighs, followed by the obligatory mall employee eye roll, and the embellished “now I have to work” banging of the finger on the delete key on the till. I’m sure I’ll be going straight to her version of consumer hell for adding wear and tear to her trailer park low budget press on nail manicure, but I will never understand why purchasing a shirt requires surrendering my personal information. Consequently, I dropped the “suck a bag of dicks” bomb, Janelle giggled, and I took solace in knowing karma was going to keep that snotty little girl working in a mall, lunching in a food court, and wearing a name tag for a living.
Stay in school kids.
I’m not going to lie, I didn’t do much on my break. Apparently, I put in one day at work . We started at 8.00 am and left at 1.00 pm. What was actually accomplished in that time was nominal but the good news is, Whoville got packed away and it doesn’t look like Christmas puked in certain offices any more.
What did I actually do for a week? I stayed up late and slept in a lot even though I was totally convinced this was going to be the week I was going reset my body clock. Hmmm not so much. . The week was really an homage to pajamas and snacking.
I was completely relaxed and romantic during the break too. I made love to my sofa, love seat, chair, computer chair and bed.
In an effort to feel like I had accomplished something, I did two things. First, if something was tucked away in a drawer or closet and I was annoyed by its existence, I put it in the middle of the room and found a permanent home or garbage can for that item. Secondly, I ripped apart a wardrobe that serves as a book shelf and desk and a catcher of all things I can’t be arsed to put away where they belong. I did this last August on my vacation too.
How the hell did I accumulate so much shit in four months?
When I did this exercise in August, I was determined to keep all my shit organized. When I was done cleaning, sorting, alphabetizing, purging, and shredding, the inside of the wardrobe looked lovely. It was a ode to organization. For a day. Maybe two. Chaos started with ATM receipts. I save them and reconcile them with my bank statements. I used to be really good at this. Used to be. Every month when my bank statement arrived, I would be on it that night, highlighting and shredding and it was all good. Now? Let’s just say that the ATM receipts that weren’t in the bottom of my purse or preventing my wallet from being closed, were in a crumpled pile in a Ziploc. Did I mention I spend a large portion of my day accounting and filing? Scandalous, I know. I’m down to two piles to sort out. And yes, one of those piles is four months of ATM receipts.
MAKE
Menu
Banana Strawberry Smoothie
Scones
Quinoa Porridge
BANANA STRAWBERRY SMOOTHIE
2 c. banana
2 c. strawberry
1 c. milk
1 c. strawberry or vanilla yogurt
-peel and slice bananas
-wash strawberries and cut tops off
-put fruit in blender or food processor with yogurt and milk
-blend to desired consistency and serve immediately
SCONES
¼ c. cold butter
1 ½ c. all purpose flour
¼ c. sugar
½ tsp. cinnamon
1 tbsp. baking powder
¼ tsp. baking soda
2 eggs
½ c. butter milk (if unavailable, add 2 tsp. lemon juice to 2% or skim milk)
1 c. fruit or cheese of choice
-preheat oven to 350 degrees
-combine dry ingredients
-beat one egg and combine it with the buttermilk
-thread the butter through the dry ingredients until texture is like gravel
-add the milk and egg mixture and mix
-add fruit or cheese; blend through batter
-mix and separate into two balls
-flatten the balls into two disks, five to six inches in diameter
-slice each disk into four sections and place on an ungreased cookie sheet
-beat the second egg and brush it on the scones as a glaze
-bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes or until the scones are brown
QUINOA PORRIDGE
½ c. quinoa
¼ tsp. cinnamon
1 ½ c. almond milk (or soy with 1 tsp. almond extract)
½ c. water
2 tbsp. brown sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
1 pinch salt
-preheat saucepan over medium heat and measure in quinoa
-season with cinnamon and cook until toasted, stirring frequently
-pour in the almond milk, water, vanilla, and stir in the brown sugar and salt
-bring to a boil and cook over low heat until thick and grains are tender (about 25 minutes)
-add more water if liquid has dried up before porridge finishes cooking
-stir occasionally to prevent burning
THINK
You should not take part in your own persecution. – Bobby Seale
LISTEN
Pixie Lott – Cry Me Out
Dan Balan – Chica Bomb
The Buzzcocks – What Do I Get
READ
Chantel Simmons – Stuck in Downward Dog
WATCH
The Nature Of Things: The Everlasting Oasis
Start here:
VISIT
The future of books, here today… audible.com
GO GREEN
Have a swap meet with your friends. The idea is that everyone gets together and swaps belongings they no longer want or use. Anything left over immediately goes to a donation bin.
Showing posts with label banana. Show all posts
Showing posts with label banana. Show all posts
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Armageddon Is On The Way And She's Wearing A Pencil Skirt
(Originally posted on my old blog "The Domestication of a Punk Rock Foodie" on June 06, 2010. Reposting this particular blog was inspired by the lovely Brittany and her amazing and honest sense of self. Good or bad. And that's where I'm at too. I struggle daily but this is who I am and if you can't accept that, go hang with that bitch Maura.)
Clearly, I have lost my mind.
I'm not a tomboy but I'm not particularly girly either and I have lived in a skirt free world for 99% of my life.
The last time I wore a skirt was in high school, circa 1985, complete with black leggings. A friend gave the skirt to me but another girl accused me of stealing it from her and the drama that lasted for about three months scarred me for life. Or most of it. Prior to that, the last time may have been elementary school graduation.
Skirts are not my friend. They are not cankle friendly and when you have legs on you like tree trunks that are being shaped into legs for a piano, skirts are the enemy. Especially mini skirts, which have ruled the world for most of my life. Couple that with my fear of falling flat on my arse, legs up in the air, and skirt around my hips and you have my skirt free world. I’m a total klutz and shit happens all the time, including this weekend when I stubbed/broke my baby toe on my right foot, bending over to pick up a water bottle. Ya, it's like that.
Dresses have done better in my adult world… last year’s corporate Christmas party, weddings, and my college graduation. Prior to that, the last time I had worn a dress when I was seven.
To receive first communion.
Oh ya kids, I used to be Catholic. I know.
I had a wedding to go to in May. A skirt whispered to me in the store when I was shopping for something to wear to the wedding. I took it home with me.
Yes, I paid for it first.
I went shopping the next day at lunch. Three skirts whispered at me but only one was lucky enough to come home with me.
I went shopping last week with Sue... again a skirt was in the mix.
I've been wearing them too. In public. Bare legs, cankles, and all. I know! I figure, to hell with it. This is the body I live in, these are my legs and ankles and if you don't like it, well quite frankly I don't care. No really, I do not care. I'm entirely altogether over what the world thinks of my less than perfect body. Look, don't look, mock, don't mock. Whatev's.
This is me, this is who I am, this is me in a skirt.
Ya, I’m pretty sure that the world is going to cave in on itself.
MENU
Cheese On The Outside Calzone
Broccoli Raisin Salad
Fruit Parfait Two Ways
CHEESE ON THE OUTSIDE CALZONE
Serves four.
(I use a pre-made pizza crust for this recipe to reduce the prep time.)
Ingredients:
1 – Pillsbury pizza crust
¼ c. pizza sauce
4 oz. chicken breast, cooked and diced
¼ c. green pepper, diced
¼ c. onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
12 kalamata olives, pitted and sliced
½ c. fresh mushrooms, stems removed, sliced
1/8 tsp each dried oregano, basil, and thyme
1 c. shredded cheese of your choice (try Kraft’s Four Cheese Italiano Shredded Cheese or Kraft’s Tex Mex blend… or ½ cup of each combined)
1 tbsp. extra virgin olive oil
Method:
-cook chicken breast and set aside
-when chicken is cool to the touch, dice into cubes
-preheat oven to 400
-on a greased cookie sheet (I use Pam’s olive oil spray), roll out pizza crust
-spread pizza sauce over crust leaving about 2 inches around the edges bare
-in a bowl, combine chicken breast, peppers, onion, garlic, olives, mushrooms and spices
-spread mixture onto the middle of the pizza crust like a log, leaving 2 inches between the log and the end of the crust (see the pic below that I totally ripped off the Internet, showing you the basic idea... I was too rushy rush rush to take a pic while I was in the middle of cooking)
Serves four as a side dish.
Clearly, I have lost my mind.
I'm not a tomboy but I'm not particularly girly either and I have lived in a skirt free world for 99% of my life.
The last time I wore a skirt was in high school, circa 1985, complete with black leggings. A friend gave the skirt to me but another girl accused me of stealing it from her and the drama that lasted for about three months scarred me for life. Or most of it. Prior to that, the last time may have been elementary school graduation.
Skirts are not my friend. They are not cankle friendly and when you have legs on you like tree trunks that are being shaped into legs for a piano, skirts are the enemy. Especially mini skirts, which have ruled the world for most of my life. Couple that with my fear of falling flat on my arse, legs up in the air, and skirt around my hips and you have my skirt free world. I’m a total klutz and shit happens all the time, including this weekend when I stubbed/broke my baby toe on my right foot, bending over to pick up a water bottle. Ya, it's like that.
Dresses have done better in my adult world… last year’s corporate Christmas party, weddings, and my college graduation. Prior to that, the last time I had worn a dress when I was seven.
To receive first communion.
Oh ya kids, I used to be Catholic. I know.
I had a wedding to go to in May. A skirt whispered to me in the store when I was shopping for something to wear to the wedding. I took it home with me.
Yes, I paid for it first.
I went shopping the next day at lunch. Three skirts whispered at me but only one was lucky enough to come home with me.
I went shopping last week with Sue... again a skirt was in the mix.
I've been wearing them too. In public. Bare legs, cankles, and all. I know! I figure, to hell with it. This is the body I live in, these are my legs and ankles and if you don't like it, well quite frankly I don't care. No really, I do not care. I'm entirely altogether over what the world thinks of my less than perfect body. Look, don't look, mock, don't mock. Whatev's.
This is me, this is who I am, this is me in a skirt.
Ya, I’m pretty sure that the world is going to cave in on itself.
MENU
Cheese On The Outside Calzone
Broccoli Raisin Salad
Fruit Parfait Two Ways
CHEESE ON THE OUTSIDE CALZONE
Serves four.
(I use a pre-made pizza crust for this recipe to reduce the prep time.)
Ingredients:
1 – Pillsbury pizza crust
¼ c. pizza sauce
4 oz. chicken breast, cooked and diced
¼ c. green pepper, diced
¼ c. onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
12 kalamata olives, pitted and sliced
½ c. fresh mushrooms, stems removed, sliced
1/8 tsp each dried oregano, basil, and thyme
1 c. shredded cheese of your choice (try Kraft’s Four Cheese Italiano Shredded Cheese or Kraft’s Tex Mex blend… or ½ cup of each combined)
1 tbsp. extra virgin olive oil
Method:
-cook chicken breast and set aside
-when chicken is cool to the touch, dice into cubes
-preheat oven to 400
-on a greased cookie sheet (I use Pam’s olive oil spray), roll out pizza crust
-spread pizza sauce over crust leaving about 2 inches around the edges bare
-in a bowl, combine chicken breast, peppers, onion, garlic, olives, mushrooms and spices
-spread mixture onto the middle of the pizza crust like a log, leaving 2 inches between the log and the end of the crust (see the pic below that I totally ripped off the Internet, showing you the basic idea... I was too rushy rush rush to take a pic while I was in the middle of cooking)
-if you prefer the cheese inside the calzone, sprinkle it on top of the mixture now
-flip bottom part of crust over the filling until the bottom edge is even with the top edge of the crust
-pinch edges forming a half moon shape (again, another pic that I stole from the net to show you what I'm blathering away about)
-using a knife cut four small slits in the top of the calzone
-brush with olive oil
-put in the oven for 15minutes
-remove from oven and sprinkle with cheese if you have not already
-return to oven until cheese is browned and bubbling
-remove from oven and slice into four sections; serve while hot
BROCCOLI RAISIN SALAD
Salad Ingredients:
1 ½ c. broccoli florets
¾ c. sunflower seeds, shelled
1 c. golden raisins
½ medium red onion, diced
1 c. shredded marbled cheese
Dressing Ingredients:
1 c. Kraft Fat Free Miracle Whip
3 tbsp. apple cider vinegar
¼ c. sugar
Method:
-mix together broccoli, sunflower seeds, raisins, and red onion and set aside
-prepare dressing and pour on salad to coat as desired
-sprinkle with shredded cheese and serve
Click here for printable recipe.
FRUIT PARFAIT TWO WAYS
Banana Cream Parfait (Serves Two):
Ingredients:
1 package Jello Cook and Serve banana cream pudding mix
3 c. milk
1 c. strawberries, sliced
1 c.blackberries
Method:
-prepare pudding as per manufacturer’s directions
-set aside in fridge for one hour to cool
-when pudding is cooled, put in a parfait glass layering strawberries then pudding and then blackberries
-alternate until glass is almost full and top with fresh fruit
Pistachio Parfait (Serves Two):
Ingredients:
1 package Jello pistachio instant pudding mix
2 c. milk
1 c. strawberries, sliced
1 c. blackberries
Method:
-prepare pudding as per manufacturer’s directions
-set aside in fridge for one hour to cool
-when pudding is cooled, put in a parfait glass layering strawberries then blackberries then pudding
-alternate until glass is almost full and top with fresh fruit
Click here for printable recipe.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Does This Banana Make Me Look Profound?
(Originally posted on my old blog "The Domestication of a Punk Rock Foodie" on October 14, 2009.)
There have been two certain, absolute truths that I have learned as an adult:
1. There is no polite way for a lady to eat a banana. Or a Popsicle.
2. People will come and go from your life. Keep the dearest and beloved ones, divorce the spirit killers and time murderers, and always remember the lesson, even if it is “I will never do THAT again.”
The banana has officially joined ranks with the carrot and the cucumber to form the triple crown of sexualized produce. The Popsicle really needs no explanation. I know you and I know you have a vivid, phallic filled imagination. Please play safe and don’t forget to use your tongue… to catch the drips.
And now for an attempt at profundity…
I believe we are all on a path (you can call it fate or your destiny or your karma or your life plan, whatever flips your pancakes) and that every once in a while, people cross that path to teach you something about you and the world you live in. Some of those people stay in your life but I have learned that most will go and only a few are actually the sort of people you would want to keep around.
How do you know if a person is worth keeping around? Chew on this: You wake up in a hotel room in Las Vegas with a dead hooker lying beside you. You are completely unaware of how you got to Las Vegas and how this person ended up in bed, dead, with you. Who do you call? And off that list of people, who would come to your aid with garbage bags, shovels, a road map to nowhere, and absolutely no questions? That tiny list of people is the people in your life that are worth keeping around. I am lucky enough to have a couple of people like that in my life. And I have some garbage bags… just in case!
Spirit killers and time murderers have got go. This is not negotiable and who gives a rat’s ass what the return policy may be. When these types reveal who they really are to you, pay attention to what you are being told and shown. If they look like, behave like, and exist like a drug addicted emotional train wreck, chances are that is exactly what they are. If you feel like you are being lied to or that the story you are being told seems a bit “off”, summon the courage to ask the questions that are written on your heart… and don’t take bullshit for an answer. Pay attention to your intuition, it will never fail you. Learn the lesson that is being served up to you, and then divorce these fungi immediately. They will only suck the life, energy, goodness (and in my own experience, money) out of you and do everything they can to make you feel bad about yourself. They are like trash on Tuesdays… kick that shit to the curb. I know that there is a natural inclination to be nice and have compassion because that is what we were taught as kids. However, just because someone graciously serves up a plate of horse shit to you does not mean you are required to eat it. Any time any person makes you feel less than who you are, and especially when they do it to make themselves feel better, you gotta cut that shit out of your life like its cancer. Your worth should never suffer or be reduce by some loser’s egomaniac bullshit drama. Never.
Then there is the people who fall in between these two groups. The drifters. They drift in and out of your life or their stay in your world is short lived. Sometimes they are friends, sometimes they are lovers, sometimes they are just the person standing in front of you in line at the ATM machine. Cherish the time they spend with you and when they are gone, remember the lessons and joy they brought to your world. Try to understand that as much as you may want to have that person in your life forever, as much as you may want to spend the rest of your days loving that person, your path is unfolding as it should, everything happens for a reason, and you will have to let go. It sucks ass that they are no longer in your world but over the course of time you will come to discover that there is a blessing in having known them at all.
Sooooo, Kells and Sausage… you’ll always be in my soul. Your garbage bags are my garbage bags.
To The Zoo Crew, Ozzie, and Phil… you can respectfully suck a bag of dicks. May you all be forced to listen and watch Susan Boyle for eternity. Sober. And may you have to burn off every ounce of bad karma you ever generated as a mosquito.
To Captain Celery, Happy Belated Birthday and may the sun always shine on your lovely face.
I'm still here
But it hasn't been easy
I'm sure that you had your reasons
I'm scared for this emotion
For years I've been holding it down
And I
Love to forgive and forget
So I
Try to put all this behind us
Just
Know that my arms are wide open
The older I get, the more that I know.
From "This Boy" by James Morrison (James Morrison, Tim Kellet)
There have been two certain, absolute truths that I have learned as an adult:
1. There is no polite way for a lady to eat a banana. Or a Popsicle.
2. People will come and go from your life. Keep the dearest and beloved ones, divorce the spirit killers and time murderers, and always remember the lesson, even if it is “I will never do THAT again.”
The banana has officially joined ranks with the carrot and the cucumber to form the triple crown of sexualized produce. The Popsicle really needs no explanation. I know you and I know you have a vivid, phallic filled imagination. Please play safe and don’t forget to use your tongue… to catch the drips.
And now for an attempt at profundity…
I believe we are all on a path (you can call it fate or your destiny or your karma or your life plan, whatever flips your pancakes) and that every once in a while, people cross that path to teach you something about you and the world you live in. Some of those people stay in your life but I have learned that most will go and only a few are actually the sort of people you would want to keep around.
How do you know if a person is worth keeping around? Chew on this: You wake up in a hotel room in Las Vegas with a dead hooker lying beside you. You are completely unaware of how you got to Las Vegas and how this person ended up in bed, dead, with you. Who do you call? And off that list of people, who would come to your aid with garbage bags, shovels, a road map to nowhere, and absolutely no questions? That tiny list of people is the people in your life that are worth keeping around. I am lucky enough to have a couple of people like that in my life. And I have some garbage bags… just in case!
Spirit killers and time murderers have got go. This is not negotiable and who gives a rat’s ass what the return policy may be. When these types reveal who they really are to you, pay attention to what you are being told and shown. If they look like, behave like, and exist like a drug addicted emotional train wreck, chances are that is exactly what they are. If you feel like you are being lied to or that the story you are being told seems a bit “off”, summon the courage to ask the questions that are written on your heart… and don’t take bullshit for an answer. Pay attention to your intuition, it will never fail you. Learn the lesson that is being served up to you, and then divorce these fungi immediately. They will only suck the life, energy, goodness (and in my own experience, money) out of you and do everything they can to make you feel bad about yourself. They are like trash on Tuesdays… kick that shit to the curb. I know that there is a natural inclination to be nice and have compassion because that is what we were taught as kids. However, just because someone graciously serves up a plate of horse shit to you does not mean you are required to eat it. Any time any person makes you feel less than who you are, and especially when they do it to make themselves feel better, you gotta cut that shit out of your life like its cancer. Your worth should never suffer or be reduce by some loser’s egomaniac bullshit drama. Never.
Then there is the people who fall in between these two groups. The drifters. They drift in and out of your life or their stay in your world is short lived. Sometimes they are friends, sometimes they are lovers, sometimes they are just the person standing in front of you in line at the ATM machine. Cherish the time they spend with you and when they are gone, remember the lessons and joy they brought to your world. Try to understand that as much as you may want to have that person in your life forever, as much as you may want to spend the rest of your days loving that person, your path is unfolding as it should, everything happens for a reason, and you will have to let go. It sucks ass that they are no longer in your world but over the course of time you will come to discover that there is a blessing in having known them at all.
Sooooo, Kells and Sausage… you’ll always be in my soul. Your garbage bags are my garbage bags.
To The Zoo Crew, Ozzie, and Phil… you can respectfully suck a bag of dicks. May you all be forced to listen and watch Susan Boyle for eternity. Sober. And may you have to burn off every ounce of bad karma you ever generated as a mosquito.
To Captain Celery, Happy Belated Birthday and may the sun always shine on your lovely face.
I'm still here
But it hasn't been easy
I'm sure that you had your reasons
I'm scared for this emotion
For years I've been holding it down
And I
Love to forgive and forget
So I
Try to put all this behind us
Just
Know that my arms are wide open
The older I get, the more that I know.
From "This Boy" by James Morrison (James Morrison, Tim Kellet)
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