You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better. ~ Anne Lamott
Dear Partylite:
We are over. It is official. I am ending this relationship today. This is where we get divorced.
For twenty years I have loved you, I have defended you, I have stated that while your prices were high, your quality was beyond reproach. I proclaimed from mountain tops that your scented wax and candle holders were the best there is. And that you smelled like yummy goodness. And I do not just go around calling things yummy or good.
For the last 18 months I have pondered my affinity for you. It has not been easy. You have become even more expensive and increasingly styleless...
There was a time when your scents were amazing and a small votive could fill a room with the smell of yummy goodness. Now you smell like wax. Wax flavoured wax. Which is neither yummy or good.
Your wicks are off centred and you burn badly because of it. There is sooting on my roof because of it. Who are you to make me get on a ladder to wash my roof?
And this consultant that sells you to me, even though I have always known she is a crazy bitch, she has crossed the line. She demands that I start to sell you. I do not want to sell you, I want to own you. I do not want to hear about her super crazy dramatic divorce or have her taking even crazier and more dramatic calls from her kids at my house when she is supposed to be there selling you to me. That is supposed to be our time. Not her time for divorce drama and pyramid schemes.
Partylite, I cannot make excuses for you any more.
We are done.
Over.
Through.
(Originally posted on my old blog "The Domestication of a Punk Rock Foodie" on March 19, 2010)
I don’t know what’s wrong with people. Who knew my poo would cause such a crisis in someone’s life.
When I poo, sometimes it’s stinky. And guess what, it happens to about 6 billion people every day, including you. Sometimes, it will happen twice if you have a healthy colon and a high fibre diet.
Soooo, when you get all puritanical because people are pooing in the office bathroom, my advice to you is to get over yourself and your aversion to feces. It's a friggin' bathroom and designed for some pretty specific uses, one of which happens to be pooing. Oh I know, you don’t fart in front of anybody and you only poo when you are completely isolated from society, but I’m fairly certain the only person in the world who shits glitter and baby powder is Lady Gaga. For your own sake, relax and ixnay the poo perturbation. Ya, I know, I had a poo in the office bathroom but the poo-approved bathrooms on the other side of the building are under renovation and, for the next four to six weeks, you will have to deal with it.
Now, when you came to my desk with the air freshner and acted like I had shat toxic waste (which I didn’t… for what its worth you only knew I poo’d cos I farted), that was precious. It must have pissed you off that I didn’t rush to admit I had poo’d in the poo-free bathrooms and then apologize profusely for ruining your day. Really, it wasn’t necessary, was it? We both know what your motivation was. Epic fail if you were trying to make a point. You should know it gave me great pleasure to smile and tell you the scent was nice (scent of the freshner, not my poo). Honestly, it took all I had not to laugh and ask you if you were the corporate shitologist but I realized after that thought left my brain but before it had left my mouth that I was really close to crossing the line.
I'm not sure what is more cryptic to me...
1] Your reaction to poo.
2] The fact that, on a regular basis, you shit in that poo-free bathroom yet the rest of us are forbidden to use the bathroom for one of its originally intended purposes.
3] How the hell a bathroom became a poo-free zone.
Just wondering out loud, ‘kay? Don't hate the pooper, hate your shitty game.
By the way, I still have gas from the turkey rice soup I had yesterday. Yes, still. You should also know, I’m bloated so there’s more farts and poo to come. It’s gonna be great. And now thanks to you, it will also be “meadow fresh”.
