Our First Time

There was the anxiety a few days before.

There was the epic hair removal session the night before.  Smooth from the eyelashes down.

This was going to be our first time doing this sort of thing and a girl needs to be prepared.

He was late.  My guts were churning.  I sat with my eyes closed, meditating, breathing deeply, hoping this was going to go well.

We have not known each other long and I knew it was going to be awkward.

This was our first time and all I wanted to do was vomit.  This did not bode well for me.

He finally arrived.  Told me to remove my "bottoms."  I also removed my top.  That is how I have always done it.  He turned around.  He was mortified.  This was not going well.

It got even more awkward when my cervix went AWOL.

It wasn't all bad.  We laughed, we talked about pedicures and Brazilians, he finally found my missing cervix, and when he was done, my boobies did not feel like they had been pushed into my spine through my armpits after they have been taken out into the hall and walked around the clinic.

And that is how my first physical with my new G. P. went.

Remember ladies, take care of your lady bits... regular physical exams, self breast exams, AND the dreaded pap smear are all a part of good health management.  Precaution, prevention, and early detection saves lives.

Go here for some added inspiration.  And boob lube.

Doggie Daycare

Really? This is where we are at as a civilization? People are dying because they aren't getting enough clean water to drink but you have a crisis and nuclear melt down because you are late and have to leave work early to pick Tickles up at doggie daycare after it's spa treatments.

Really?

I used to have a dog. She was the best.  She never got doggie daycare.  I'm not at all down with the doggie daycare business. By today's standards, this makes me a horrible pet owner and quite frankly unfit to own a dog.

Remember back in the day when you got a dog and you spent the time to train it to shit outside and not invest in pee pads or doggie diapers so it could roam freely around the house shitting and pissing wherever it wanted because you are to damn lazy to train the animal? Remember when you sat out in the yard and combed your dog out yourself? Remember when you had to fight with the dog to get it in and out of the tub to bathe it and had to wear a bathing suit because you were going to be drenched by the end of it?  Remember when your house didn't smell like a barn?

I was 14 when I got my dog.  I was lectured about poop patrol and feeding times.  I was given a bag full of brushes and clippers and told I had all summer to get the dog trained; there would be no shitting or pissing in the house and by September, the dog better know how to let everyone else know she needed out to do her thing.

I had to spend the time training her, bathing her, combing her out.  I didn't have a choice.  And that bitch hated to be groomed even though that was the extent of her luxury life.  Okay, maybe she did indulge in human food and when she curled up in bed with you, made damn sure she had pillow and blankie too.  But there was no such thing as a doggie daycare.

When I had a dog, dog owners actually trained and took care of their dogs.  All by themselves.  Dogs shat outside, you had a shovel by the shed for poop patrol and grass seed for the spots burnt on the lawn from dog piss, and owners were full of dog hair after the once a week brush out.  The.  End.

When did we get to dogs requiring daycare?  Weekly doggie day care. And not just any doggie daycare, kids. No, that would be so gauche, so kennel, so uncouth and just plain uncivilized. I'm hearing tales of canine spa treatments... pedicures and massages... because the dog suffers from anxiety and the drugs from the veterinarian just aren't getting the job done any more and it is allergic to...

... the hell?

Sometimes, it is really hard to like other human beings.