Random Sauce, Part 11

Good judgement is the result of experience.  Which was the result of bad judgement.
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If I were to agree with you, that would make both of us wrong.
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 I know Onoway isn't that big, but DHL isn't that smart.
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May the 4th be with you.
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Dear Duggars: It is a vagina, not a clown car.
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Random Sauce, Part Ten

I would die for you, but I won't die without you.
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No loitering, only dancing.
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I am dying to know how your mouth tastes.
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You want to save me?  Who said I needed to be rescued?
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Is it too late to ask Santa for a pet unicorn?
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Random Sauce, Part Nine

No one can force you to drink a keg of beer for dinner.
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My bangs are not the only thing that is ruining my life.
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He wants me to have hate sex with him.  But I don't hate him.
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She tells me that worse things have happened.  Yes, they have.  But why is this thing happening?
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While it may not be for me to understand and it may just be something I have to do, I would like it to make a bit of sense while I'm doing it.
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Fermer la douche.
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Random Sauce, Part Eight

I'm just going to come out and say it.


I do not support the war effort or Canada's participation in that mess in the Middle East.  I do not recognize Queen Elizabeth as a queen, much less the queen of Canada.  I would never take an oath where I had to swear on a Bible that I would protect and defend her either.  I think it is time we removed Lizzie's face from our currency and stopped singing "God Save The Queen."


I'm pretty sure that all of this is going to get me kicked out of Canada, even though I bleed maple leafs.


Whatever.  Prince William needs hair plugs and Kate Middleton looks like she's been rode hard and put away wet.  Even the monarchy are not immune to human trappings like male pattern baldness and emaciation and fatigue resulting from blind ambition.


So there's that.


What I do support are the troops, the military personnel who took an oath to protect Canada and all that this country is and stands for.

Bless you for not being as selfish as I am.

Random Sauce, Part Seven

You can't stop fabulous.

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The odds of you having a good day are pretty low when you fax yourself a credit hold notice.

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The sound of cheques being printed lulls me.

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Stress?  What stress?  There's no stress in chaos and anarchy.

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Random Sauce, Part Six

When you text and call a radio station to complain that your not-so-boyfriend boyfriend is married, it is not going to end well and you should not be surprised when you are vilified.  Publicly.

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No.  This ain't fucking normal.  You are also not fucking normal.

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Can you make a mallet out of paper?

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Put some magic on it.

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got lethbridge?

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Random Sauce, Part Five

Breathe air, drink coffee.

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You don't always get what you want, but you always get what you need.

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Think twice before asking someone to do something for you.

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When you give your word, when you make a promise, and you have to break it, apologize.  It sucks to be on the receiving end of a broken promise.

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The Mobius Strip... is this time folding into itself?  Is the beginning the end?  Is the end the beginning with a twist?

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Random Sauce, Part Four

If you know how to use a pair of scissors like they are pliers or a surgical clamp, you work in an office.

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Serena Ryder is ah may zing.

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Sometimes all it takes is a really good cup of tea to turn a really bad day around.

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Using 100 words to describe three beautiful things isn't as easy as you think.

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Snow looks pretty at first.  After five months, it is depression actualized.

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Random Sauce, Part Three

When I call you to talk to you about something very serious in nature, masturbating in my ear as a response is not only unflattering, it is rude and incredibly immature.

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Sometimes the truth comes in large doses that are unbearable. And sometimes unloading the truth, while it may cause suffering, unloads a burden. That fucks with my Buddhist sensibilities but there comes a time when my self preservation is more important than your ego.

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Respect.

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Thank you for showing me what I am made of. Sometimes I forget about the strength that dwells within. Thanks for reminding me that I can be confident and live in a world that I created, that I own, and that is bullshit free.

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Remember the third date rule ladies. Its a good way to weed out the frogs from the princes. And men folk, do not think that because the third date is over that its business time.

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Stop. Before you go any further into your life, get your mobile phone/cellular device out, write down all your contacts and their information, and email it to yourself. You are most welcome.  Seriously, you will be thanking me when you lose/misplace/destroy your phone.  Trust.

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Random Sauce, Part Two

Bathe regularly. I know there is an article floating around on Yahoo about only showering three to four times a week but they are wrong. Bathe daily. When you smell like ass, we do not think it is cool.

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If you are willing to lie about where you are from or how old you are, there is a good chance you will lie about anything. That makes me not trust you. Do not get all pissy when I call you out on it either. Grow a set and have the fortitude to stand in the middle of who you are and be that person.

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Having gas at work is a challenge. Silent but violent does not always wait for you to get to the warehouse.

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When the I.T. department at your place of employment does not know how to work the email system your entire company is using, you are fucked. So is your I.T. department.

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When you suddenly leave a job after thirty years, it makes me think you did something really sketchy. I am not the only one who thinks this.

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I love the smell of permanent markers. And not those skinny ones either. No. The big ones with the wedge tip. Ahhhh.

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Random Sauce, Part One

I am not a fan of Justin Bieber.  I want to fill my ears with concrete whenever I hear his voice.  But I was absolutely a fan of what he did when someone hacked his Facebook or Twitter account (does it really matter which one it was?  No.).  The Biebs tweeted the phone number of the kid who hacked his account and said something like, "Yo its Justin, call me."  And the fans got the Bieber Fever.  Say hacker boy, has your phone stopped ringing yet?

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If you have extensions or a weave, please do the following: pay the money to get it done properly and wash that shit regularly because I am tired of smelling your nasty stank, especially when you try to stand on top of me.

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Stop standing on top of me.  This is my space.  You have your own.

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Understand that when you speak to me like I am stupid, I am going to call you out on it.  Every time.  I am not an idiot, I am not "special needs" and even if I were, I do not need to be spoken to like I have the i.q. of dirt.

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Yelling a conversation across the hall to a co-worker who has an office that is less than fifteen feet away from you makes me want to get homicidal on your lazy, fat, chair-bound ass.  Pick up the phone or get up and speak to them.  Enough with the noise pollution.

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Want to see crazy?  Hang out near a bank's ATM machine at 6:30 AM.  Cuh.  Ray.  Zee.  Don't ask how I know, just know that I do.

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