You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better. ~ Anne Lamott
Last year was a year like no other. True love came back, true love failed me. Diabetes, Hashimoto's, and cancer tried to kill me, I bounced back. I met people who would change my world forever, I said goodbye to people who were too toxic for me to forgive.
There were a lot of changes and one of those things was a commitment to be even more fiscally responsible. 2012 was the year I stopped making "oh its only ten dollars" purchases. 2013 was the year of savings and paying myself an allowance. Because someone has to pay for my dentist and his lovely wife to go to Africa. I am convinced Dr. Frank and Anne plan their holidays around my visits.
There are two very easy savings plans trending on the Internet (read that as Pinterest) that I tried with much success. I barely noticed I was saving money. These plans are not about deprivation or cash starvation; they are about saving money daily and weekly.
First is the five dollar savings plan. Whenever you receive a five dollar bill as change, when you return home, you take the five dollars out of your wallet, pocket, sock, shoe, bra, wherever you put your change and put it in a jar, envelope, box, etc. Set a goal for yourself (for me it was a paying for a root canal because I have a ghetto fantastic medical plan that doesn't cover shit when it comes to your teeth) or a specific dollar amount, and at that time use your fives. Had I not had to make a mortgage payment on my teeth, by the summer I would have had nearly $600.00 to throw in my savings account. To be honest, I stopped saving after that point. The guilt of spending five dollar bills still plagues me to the point where I have started saving five dollar bills again and I am committed to saving them all year long. Unless Dr. Frank and Anne decide they need to go somewhere exotic, do their voodoo dental dance, and I land in Frank's chair with a tooth ready to fall out of my head.
The second savings plain is being called the 52 week money challenge. This chart and others like it are making their way around the Internets:
The idea that drives this plain is pretty simple. Each week you pay yourself an "allowance" and at the end of the year, you will have saved $1378.00. Again, put the money in a jar, box, envelope, etc. You can download this chart, or other charts like it, to track your progress throughout the year. If you find yourself a bit short on cash due to buying Christmas presents and spreading Christmas cheer, try starting the chart at the end. This way, when December comes, paying out your allowance is manageable. I used the money I saved using this plan to pay for the crown that had go on top of the previously mentioned root canal. Frank is expensive company.
Be diligent and don't forget to feel the sun when it shines on your lovely face.
(Originally posted on my old blog "The Domestication of a Punk Rock Foodie" on March 19, 2010)
I don’t know what’s wrong with people. Who knew my poo would cause such a crisis in someone’s life.
When I poo, sometimes it’s stinky. And guess what, it happens to about 6 billion people every day, including you. Sometimes, it will happen twice if you have a healthy colon and a high fibre diet.
Soooo, when you get all puritanical because people are pooing in the office bathroom, my advice to you is to get over yourself and your aversion to feces. It's a friggin' bathroom and designed for some pretty specific uses, one of which happens to be pooing. Oh I know, you don’t fart in front of anybody and you only poo when you are completely isolated from society, but I’m fairly certain the only person in the world who shits glitter and baby powder is Lady Gaga. For your own sake, relax and ixnay the poo perturbation. Ya, I know, I had a poo in the office bathroom but the poo-approved bathrooms on the other side of the building are under renovation and, for the next four to six weeks, you will have to deal with it.
Now, when you came to my desk with the air freshner and acted like I had shat toxic waste (which I didn’t… for what its worth you only knew I poo’d cos I farted), that was precious. It must have pissed you off that I didn’t rush to admit I had poo’d in the poo-free bathrooms and then apologize profusely for ruining your day. Really, it wasn’t necessary, was it? We both know what your motivation was. Epic fail if you were trying to make a point. You should know it gave me great pleasure to smile and tell you the scent was nice (scent of the freshner, not my poo). Honestly, it took all I had not to laugh and ask you if you were the corporate shitologist but I realized after that thought left my brain but before it had left my mouth that I was really close to crossing the line.
I'm not sure what is more cryptic to me...
1] Your reaction to poo.
2] The fact that, on a regular basis, you shit in that poo-free bathroom yet the rest of us are forbidden to use the bathroom for one of its originally intended purposes.
3] How the hell a bathroom became a poo-free zone.
Just wondering out loud, ‘kay? Don't hate the pooper, hate your shitty game.
By the way, I still have gas from the turkey rice soup I had yesterday. Yes, still. You should also know, I’m bloated so there’s more farts and poo to come. It’s gonna be great. And now thanks to you, it will also be “meadow fresh”.
