(Originally posted on my old blog "The Domestication of a Punk Rock Foodie" on October 14, 2009.)
There have been two certain, absolute truths that I have learned as an adult:
1. There is no polite way for a lady to eat a banana. Or a Popsicle.
2. People will come and go from your life. Keep the dearest and beloved ones, divorce the spirit killers and time murderers, and always remember the lesson, even if it is “I will never do THAT again.”
The banana has officially joined ranks with the carrot and the cucumber to form the triple crown of sexualized produce. The Popsicle really needs no explanation. I know you and I know you have a vivid, phallic filled imagination. Please play safe and don’t forget to use your tongue… to catch the drips.
And now for an attempt at profundity…
I believe we are all on a path (you can call it fate or your destiny or your karma or your life plan, whatever flips your pancakes) and that every once in a while, people cross that path to teach you something about you and the world you live in. Some of those people stay in your life but I have learned that most will go and only a few are actually the sort of people you would want to keep around.
How do you know if a person is worth keeping around? Chew on this: You wake up in a hotel room in Las Vegas with a dead hooker lying beside you. You are completely unaware of how you got to Las Vegas and how this person ended up in bed, dead, with you. Who do you call? And off that list of people, who would come to your aid with garbage bags, shovels, a road map to nowhere, and absolutely no questions? That tiny list of people is the people in your life that are worth keeping around. I am lucky enough to have a couple of people like that in my life. And I have some garbage bags… just in case!
Spirit killers and time murderers have got go. This is not negotiable and who gives a rat’s ass what the return policy may be. When these types reveal who they really are to you, pay attention to what you are being told and shown. If they look like, behave like, and exist like a drug addicted emotional train wreck, chances are that is exactly what they are. If you feel like you are being lied to or that the story you are being told seems a bit “off”, summon the courage to ask the questions that are written on your heart… and don’t take bullshit for an answer. Pay attention to your intuition, it will never fail you. Learn the lesson that is being served up to you, and then divorce these fungi immediately. They will only suck the life, energy, goodness (and in my own experience, money) out of you and do everything they can to make you feel bad about yourself. They are like trash on Tuesdays… kick that shit to the curb. I know that there is a natural inclination to be nice and have compassion because that is what we were taught as kids. However, just because someone graciously serves up a plate of horse shit to you does not mean you are required to eat it. Any time any person makes you feel less than who you are, and especially when they do it to make themselves feel better, you gotta cut that shit out of your life like its cancer. Your worth should never suffer or be reduce by some loser’s egomaniac bullshit drama. Never.
Then there is the people who fall in between these two groups. The drifters. They drift in and out of your life or their stay in your world is short lived. Sometimes they are friends, sometimes they are lovers, sometimes they are just the person standing in front of you in line at the ATM machine. Cherish the time they spend with you and when they are gone, remember the lessons and joy they brought to your world. Try to understand that as much as you may want to have that person in your life forever, as much as you may want to spend the rest of your days loving that person, your path is unfolding as it should, everything happens for a reason, and you will have to let go. It sucks ass that they are no longer in your world but over the course of time you will come to discover that there is a blessing in having known them at all.
Sooooo, Kells and Sausage… you’ll always be in my soul. Your garbage bags are my garbage bags.
To The Zoo Crew, Ozzie, and Phil… you can respectfully suck a bag of dicks. May you all be forced to listen and watch Susan Boyle for eternity. Sober. And may you have to burn off every ounce of bad karma you ever generated as a mosquito.
To Captain Celery, Happy Belated Birthday and may the sun always shine on your lovely face.
I'm still here
But it hasn't been easy
I'm sure that you had your reasons
I'm scared for this emotion
For years I've been holding it down
And I
Love to forgive and forget
So I
Try to put all this behind us
Just
Know that my arms are wide open
The older I get, the more that I know.
From "This Boy" by James Morrison (James Morrison, Tim Kellet)
