My Brain Is Leaking

Today, I told Ali I was "just gonna hawt mess it through the day."

Not even sticky notes and pre-set alarms on my phone can save me.

Oh, you have no idea.

This past weekend officially turned my brain into leaking Swiss cheese.

Saturday consisted of six hours (I spelled it so there would be no confusion) at the mall with my nieces, getting their Christmas shopping done.  I love them.  I go to great lengths to be not only their aunt, but their mentor and confidante.  But after they caused a major health scare, and fiscally and emotionally bankrupted me realized it was dark out, it was time to go home.

Lessons learned?  The customer service clerks will place bets on how long before you return "The Green Monster" stroller...

(imagine it with not one, but two seats, being navigated through a boutique style store).  We lasted less than 15 minutes.  Food court water is four times as expensive as gas ($2.24 for 591 mL, gas is less than $1.00 a litre... you do the rest of the math).  The tooth fairy is now paying $5.00 a tooth.  $5.00  for a tooth that is currently working its way through my youngest niece's digestive tract because she swallowed it while eating chicken souvlaki.  Dinner at the food court should never involve the questions "Do I give her the Heimlich?" or "We have to make her puke."

It was only hour three when that went down.  Literally.

I had nothing left in the tank when we got home.  But I had wet sheets in the washer that I forgot to put in the dryer and actually dry so I could make my bed before we left for the Christmas Shopping Extravaganza.  When I realized I did not have any sheets to put on my bed, at least none that were dry, I seriously considered laying hand towels all over my bed so I could just lie down and die.

Yes, I was delirious.  No, I did not remember I have four sets of sheets stored in an vacuum packed bag under my bed.

I no longer had a brain to remember with.

Sunday was equally manic.

Four pails of fund raiser cookie dough.  I bought it thinking it would be a time saver and a great way for me and the girls to bond over baking for the holidays.  Okay, so the bonding part is shite.  The day before, I had surprised them with $120.00 each for their Christmas Shopping Extravaganza.  I had been saving some money every month for them.

But it was not free money.  Oh no it, came with emotional black mail and a shit load of rules because Auntie is not Mummy and trying to beat sense into little princesses while in public is currently socially unacceptable and really not an option Auntie cares to explore.

The Rules:
-no whining, crying, complaining, or pouting
-even though your mother thought it would be fun times for you to have bags of sugar coated candy before you came to be my responsibility for two days, there will be no yelling, screaming, or acting like you just sniffed coke and need to scale the palm trees by the fountain
-while you have it in your heads that you are the world's most precious princesses and believe all the contents of the mall should be going home with you, there will be no shopping for you... we are shopping for your family's Christmas gifts
-when you are paying for your gifts, say yes to a gift receipt, no to plastic bags, and thank the people who helped you
-if you cannot touch Auntie or the cart you are too far away
-if you need to pee, you have to say something before it is running down your leg because the magic of the universe places all public bathrooms on one side of the mall... and we will never be on that side when you have to go
-if you need to rest because your boots/shoes/sister/the general public/the shopping cart/the Christmas carols playing in the stores/the current tilt of the world on its axis is irritating you, please politely ask to have a break
-do not make Auntie want to smoke because it has cost her a crap load of money to quit
-should you find the urge to break the rules irresistible, please refer to Princess J's story of when she was four and Auntie made her drop everything and dragged her screaming ass out of the mall and back home because she was a bad princess who wanted everything... Auntie does not count to three and follows through on her threats
-please remember this list grows every year because of naughty behaviour and Auntie Claus can very easily take all the stuff back and get her money back

Oh, and by the way, tomorrow you will be baking cookies with Auntie and all preceding rules will still in effect.

I will not be in The Office tomorrow.  Why?  Because Auntie still has her own shopping to do.  Gifts and food.  Uh huh.  Dinner for about twenty and not a thing has been bought.  Including the bird.  Good news is, all the baking is done and I have my own Shopping Extravaganza down to two lists and four stores.

I am leaving at zero dark stupid.

Do not call.  Do not leave a message.

I am officially on auto pilot and I cannot remember how to retrieve my voice mail anymore.

PS:  I will be making these melted snowman cookies at some point.