I get it so you can stop spewing the drivel now.
You think I am broken.
I am. In a lot of ways. But not in the ways you were talking about.
I understand that you think that, by no later than the age of 33, a woman should be married, have at least two kids, be a card carrying member of the minivan majority, have a mortgage, and a cabin at a local lake. Because that's how they did it in 1910, as you so eloquently put it.
I understand that you think I fucked up.
In my defense, what do you really know about me? Never, not once, not ever have you asked me why I'm not married. No. You just froth at the mouth and wax poetic about your kids and what they have accomplished. We will get back to them in a bit.
What I really want to know is when was I suddenly required to live by and up to your socially conditioned pompous ideals of what a woman should be and do? Perhaps I didn't get the email/memo/smoke signals or whatever it was they were using back in your day.
Well here is my memo to you...
I want to be married and have a family. You can keep your minivan and cabin by the lake as, while those things may be desirable for some, I have no desire to live like a stepfordized soccer mom who has been fully lobotomized and is currently living a life that can only be described as vanilla. Or beige. This means I will not be settling for the first man who puts his hand between my legs and pretends to get me off, and it certainly means I will not be settling for whatever it is you believe is an "ideal choice."
I am well aware of the fact that I wasted a fair amount of my prime on a man who I was not meant to be with. I loved him even though he was deeply troubled and stood by him, like a wife stands by a husband, hoping we could both find a way for him to get himself together. That is what you do when you are already married in your hearts -- stick it out through good times and bad. No one wanted that relationship to work more than I did. But it did not work out and when it ended it was like being divorced, or widowed if you want to really know how it felt. Not all of us get the fairytale ending.
I understand that you think I need to "find a man" and "settle down" and "stop being so goddamn fussy." You know what? Fuck. You. Being fussy has prevented me from ending up as a statistic; divorced, beaten, raped, single mother -- pick your poison. And after you are done fucking right off, tell me how many years were you truly happy after you "settled"? The way you tell it, the way we all hear it, the shine was well worn off before you were even married. Yes, I totally want that kind of misery in my life. Because my life has not been difficult enough or painful enough. Personally, I would rather be on my own than be with a cheating jackass. You know, like the one you "settled down with."
You should know the biggest reason why I am not married is because I take the whole idea of marriage and being married seriously. Divorces and pre-nups are not an option in my world. I take those vows, those promises, seriously. It is my opinion that most people getting married today do not take the marriage they are about to enter into seriously enough and those people really should not be getting married if they have some kind of exit strategy in place before they even make it to the altar.
I know that because I never had that piece of paper you think I have no idea what it is like to be married, but in my own way I do. And I know what it feels like to be a widow, just like you. I will not be making the same mistake again and I certainly will not be taking your advise and "settling." I want it to be for the right reasons and I'm willing to wait.
I have too much respect for myself to simply settle.
PS: While you prattle on about how amazing your children are, please don't forget that neither one of them are legally married. In domestic type relationships, yes, but not married. And if we were still back in 1910 like you and your ideologies are, being shacked up is much worse than being an old maid. Just saying.
